Random Rantings of an Optimistic Cynic

Getting ready for work. Salad in a jar (dressing at the bottom to prevent the lettuce from getting soggy, multi-colored bell peppers, jalepeno peppers, tomato, dark leafy green romaine, parsley and cilantro) and strawberries and oranges #vegan #vegetarian #saladinajar #fruits #5servingsaday

thugkitchen:

THERE’S SO MUCH GOD DAMN SPINACH in this shit even Popeye can’t hate. Yeah spinach makes you swoll as fuck, we know that. But did you know just one cup of spinach is over 300% of your daily recommended Vitamin A? Sweet fuck. You worried about acne? Wrinkles? Any other skin shit? Spinach to the mother fucking rescue. That shit keeps your skin looking so fresh and so clean, not to mention helping to prevent skin cancer. Spinach has these plant-based compounds called “flavonoids” that not only repair damaged skin but also fight multiple types of cancer. Everybody knows I ain’t even fucking playing when it comes to dick cancer, I gotta have my shit in tact.

IF YOU SMOKE cigarettes (tumblr crew I’m looking at you), DO NOT take any Vitamin A or beta carotene supplements. Studies have shown that combining those supplements with tobacco drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. But then again, smoking drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. So quit that shit.

You want to make this shit at home and tell Jamba Juice they can go fuck themselves by not paying for their high calorie sugary shit? Recipe below for a Thug Kitchen Original:

SPINACH COOLER
Ectoplasm free and Dr. Venkman approved

• 2 handfuls of spinach (about 2 cups)
• 2 frozen bananas
• 1 cup chopped and skinned cucumber
• 4 medium chunks of pineapple
• 1 cup coconut water or tap
  
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• 1 tablespoon flax oil (optional)
• 6-8 mint leaves (optional, but I dig that shit)
• yields ~20 ounces

Toss that shit in a blender and zap it. If you prefer it a little sweeter, add some more pineapple to that shit. DRINK UP, CHAMP.

Seriously though, fuck Jamba Juice. Only they could make smoothies as unhealthy as McDonald’s made oatmeal.

thugkitchen:

HAVE YOU EVER FUCKING SEEN the Hamburger Helper? That shit is terrifying. What’s worse than that? The sodium content. Get off the salt lick and grub on some real food.

Seriously someone in HH marketing should be fired.

TUCSON TEMPEH PASTA

1 block tempeh (~8 oz.)

1 yellow onion

1 bell pepper

2 carrots

3-4 cloves of garlic

1 teaspoon olive oil

2-3 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari

2 tablespoons chili powder

2 teaspoons dried thyme

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1 ½ teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon liquid smoke (It is near the BBQ sauce at the store I swear. You haven’t even looked yet so stop fucking complaining.)

14 ounce can of tomatoes (make sure you don’t buy some brand full of salt)

1 pound of pasta (whole wheat, rice, quinoa, whatever the fuck you want)

juice of 1 lemon

1 cup of green peas or other vegetable

Optional: add some steamed broccoli, spinach, roasted sweet potatoes, whatever you got that you need to use up.

Cook the pasta how the box tells you to. You got this.

Chop up the onion, bell pepper, and carrots. Mince the garlic cloves up nice and small. Heat up the oil over a medium heat in a big skillet or a wok. Crumble the tempeh into little pieces with your hands and toss into the skillet. Add the veggies and cook them until the onion begins to look all golden and the tempeh bits start to brown. Add the soy sauce, spices, and garlic and cook them for about a minute. Your place should smell fucking awesome by now. You’re welcome. Now add the liquid smoke and tomatoes and let the mixture start to bubble a little. Let this all stew together for a minute or two.

Add the cooked pasta, lemon juice, and any additional veggies you picked out to the tomato mixture. Mix everything together until the pasta is nice and coated. Add more spices if you think it needs it. I like to serve mine topped with red onion, jalapenos, and cilantro but you add your favorite shit.

Serves 4-6 people as a meal (or one bad mother fucker with leftovers)

thugkitchen:

THERE AIN’T NOTHING ZESTY ABOUT A DRIVE-THRU DIET. Kick those Dorito-dusted cheese ditches to the curb and park your ass in the kitchen.  You don’t need those tacos misérables, TK has your back.

SWEET POTATO AND PINTO BEAN TACOS

3 cups of cooked pinto beans (about 2-15 ounce cans)

1 teaspoons of coconut or olive oil (whatever you already have)

½ cup veggie broth or water

2 teaspoons smoked paprika or chili powder

2 teaspoons blackstrap molasses (this has a bunch of fucking iron in it and is near the maple syrup at the store)

2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar or lemon juice

2-3 garlic cloves

1 pound of sweet potatoes (this should be about 2 cups when you chop it all up)

½ of a yellow onion

1 teaspoon coconut or olive oil

salt to taste

soft corn tortillas*

whatever toppings you got

Warm the first teaspoon of oil in a medium pot. Add the beans, broth, smoked paprika, molasses, vinegar, and garlic. Get it to start bubbling slowly for about 5 minutes and then turn off the heat.

Chop up the sweet potato and onion so they are about the size of a pinto bean so you’re not taking any confusing bites. Warm up the oil in a large skillet or big-ass pan and add the onion and sweet potato. Cook them until the onion is getting brown and the sweet potato softens up. Add the beans and whatever broth is still in that other pot you already forgot about. Cook this mixture on a medium heat until the potatoes are soft enough for you. This should take 5-8 minutes. If it starts to look dry, add some water. Add salt to taste but don’t go fucking crazy.

I served my tacos topped with lime juice, shredded lettuce, radishes, white onion, green onions, and jalapenos but add the shit you like.

Makes 8 tacos

*to avoid GMO corn, buy organic

thugkitchen:

Food is good and all that but YOU REALLY FUCKING NEED WATER. I always drink one glass of water before each meal and another glass right after. Shit, that’s almost all the water you need in a day.

Feeling tired? Got a headache? Nauseous? Fuck those Rx commercials with their crazy ass side effects, drinking more water is the cheapest way to feel better. I drink mine straight but if you’re fancy as fuck then toss in some lemon, mint leaves, lime, cucumber, lemongrass. I don’t give a good goddamn, JUST DRINK IT.

thugkitchen:

THROWBACK THURSDAY UP IN THIS BITCH. I was saving this recipe for my upcoming cookbook but you guys said FUCK THAT. So here is the most requested recipe, The Thug Kitchen RCB Burrito.

ROASTED CHICKPEA & BROCCOLI BURRITO

3 cups of cooked chickpeas  (2-15 ounce cans, drained)

1 large yellow onion

1 red bell pepper

1 large crown of broccoli

4 cloves of garlic

1 lime

Spice Blend:

3 tablespoons olive oil

1-2 tablespoons soy sauce, tamari, or Bragg’s Liquid Aminos (You can usually find this old school hippie shit near the vinegars or soy sauces in the healthy eating section of most big grocery stores and on the internet)

2 teaspoons chili powder

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

1/2 teaspoon ground coriander or more cumin if you don’t want to go to the store

black pepper or cayenne pepper to taste

 

Heat the oven to 425 degrees. Chop up the onion, bell pepper, and broccoli so that all the pieces about the size of a chickpea. Chop up the garlic real small but save that shit until later. Place all the chopped up veggies in a large bowl with the cooked chickpeas. Pour in the oil and soy sauce, stir, and then throw all the spices in there. Mix until all the vegetables and shit are covered.

 

Put all of that on a large rimmed baking sheet (like what you would put cookies on but with an edge) and bake for 20 minutes. Take it out of the oven, don’t fucking burn yourself, add the garlic, and bake for another 15 minutes. The broccoli will look a little burnt at this point but that is the plan so chill the fuck out and take it out of the oven. Squeeze the juice of half of the lime over the pan and stir the roasted chickpeas and veggies all around. Taste some and see if it needs more spices or anything. Now make a fucking burrito. I like mine with spinach, avocado, cilantro, and some fire roasted salsa but you do your thing.

makes 6-8 burritos

thugkitchen:

When I am in the kitchen all day cooking up new shit my dog just fucking stares at me.  She lays that guilt on thick. So when I’ve got a minute, I throw something together just for her. Sweet potato jerky is some easy shit to make, the fiber helps regulate her digestive system, and it’s not fucking expensive. You know I’m all about that simple-healthy-cheap living.

SWEET POTATO JERKY DOG TREATS

1 sweet potato (about ½ pound)

Heat the oven to 300 degrees.

Cut the sweet potato into slices lengthwise about 1/8 inch to ¼ inch thick. Don’t get out a fucking ruler, just cut that shit so it is half as thick as a slice of bread. If the pieces are really wide, slice them up the middle so that they cook faster. Bake on a cookie sheet for 25 minutes, flip them over, and bake for about 25 minutes more. They should look all shriveled and some pieces should look crispy. Let them cool and then show your dog you fucking love them.

Makes about 20 treats. Store them in the fridge and they keep for about 2 weeks

thugkitchen:

You might make some friends with this shit here. Roasted strawberries and coconut flakes make this salad look classy as fuck but it’s still a choice delivery method for all that fiber and antioxidants. Make some room on your plate for this nutritious motherfucker.

We did this with our friends at FoodBeast. Check their shit out. I’ve been reading dessert recipes over there for the last hour, I should probably get back to work. 

 

ROASTED STRAWBERRY SALAD

16 medium strawberries, about 1 pound

1 teaspoon olive oil

a pinch of salt

½ cup coconut flakes (you can use sliced almonds to save some cash) 

¼ cup lemon juice

3 tablespoons red wine vinegar

3 tablespoons olive oil

a big bunch of basil, chopped into thin strips, about 2/3 cup

salt and pepper to taste

1 big head of lettuce (green leaf, spinach, butter, whatthefuckever kind of lettuce is fine)

Warm up your oven to 400 degrees. Cut the green tops off the strawberries and throw that shit out.  Slice the berries in half lengthwise. Toss them in a bowl with the teaspoon of olive oil and salt. Mix that shit up good so everything is coated. Put the strawberries cut side down on a cookie sheet. I hate doing dishes so I usually cover the cookie sheet with foil or something because the strawberries can release some juice and it’s annoying as fuck to clean. Roast the strawberries for 10 minutes. Throw the coconut flakes in their own section on the cookie sheet and then roast them at the same time for 3 more minutes or until the coconut looks toasted. Let everything cool the fuck down to about room temperature.

Mix together the lemon juice, vinegar, and oil in a small glass.  Toss the lettuce and the basil in a big bowl and add as much of the dressing, salt, and pepper as you like. Make sure everything is coated and then put the strawberries and coconut flakes on top.  Arrange that shit so it looks nice. If you don’t feel like fucking with the oven then just leave the strawberries raw. I don’t give a shit JUST EAT A FUCKING SALAD or 10.

Serve 4 people as a side or 1 jolly green giant

thugkitchen:

Getting ready for Cinco de fucking Mayo? It’s one of my favorite holidays for bad decisions. This year you might make a couple shitty judgment calls but don’t start with your margarita mix. You see how many goddamn ingredients are in those fuckers? Red 40? WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT? Artificial flavors? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Don’t be serving up disrespectful drinks.  

 

STRAWBERRY GRAPEFRUIT MARGARITA

¾ cup tequila (optional, but who are you kidding?)

¾ cup grapefruit juice (about 1 grapefruit)

¼ cup lime juice (about 3 limes)

1 cup frozen strawberries (whole strawberries are really fucking hard to measure. It was about 8 medium sized strawberries but extra won’t hurt a thing)

1 ½ cups ice 

Blend that shit up. 

If your fruit wasn’t super sweet you might need to add a little something extra like a teaspoon or two of whateverthefuck sweetener you like to use is fine. Personally I like agave but you can use honey or sugar. Serve this up immediately.

 

Make about 32 ounces, enough to relax 2 people

thugkitchen:

Five simple fucking ingredients in this bitch right here. This is some good shit to make when you are feeling bougie as fuck. High-fructose corn syrup? Naw son, I don’t play that. Hit this with some vodka though, different story. Max relax.

LAVENDER LEMONADE

5 cups of water

1/2 -3/4 cup sugar (yeah, it is fucking lemonade. without the sugar it is just real sour fucking water)

 3/4 cup Meyer lemon juice, about 6 lemons ​(you can just use the regular lemons at the store too, not a dealbreaker)

juice of half a lime​

4 sprigs of fresh lavender​

Bring the water to a boil in a medium pot. Add the sugar and simmer that shit on a low heat for about 5 minutes. Make sure to stir it on the regular. The sugar should be all dissolved in the water by now with no little fucking grains rolling around in there. Turn off the heat and stir in the lemon juice, lime juice, and lavender. Let it cool until it is around room temperature. Take the lavender pieces out but use a fucking spoon and not your fingers if you are going to serve that shit to other people. Put the lemonade in the fridge to cool down all the way. Serve with lemon wedges and a pinch of dried lavender if you want it to look fucking impressive.

makes about 1 quart of chill the fuck out

 

thugkitchen:

You don’t need a party to get down on some guacamole. Put it on a salad, taco, tostada, sandwich, whatever you want. Eat it with your hands. I don’t give a flying fuck. SNACK LIFE.

 

GRAPEFRUIT GUACAMOLE

5 ripe avocados

2 medium grapefruits or 1 big son of a bitch

¼ cup chopped cilantro

¼ cup chopped red onion

juice of 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons)

¼ teaspoon salt

Take the pit out of the avocados and scoop out all the green flesh into a large bowl. Mash it up with fork. I like my guacamole chunky but do what you gotta do. Cut the grapefruit up into segments like you would cut an orange. Remove the peel and cut the segments into pieces about the size of a nickel. Put all the grapefruit into the bowl with the avocado. Add the cilantro, red onion, lime juice, and salt and mix it all up. Taste it and add more shit until you like it. Serve immediately or chill it for a bit. I’m not gonna tell you how to eat guacamole, just follow your fucking heart. 

thugkitchen:

You can’t have a legit BBQ without a badass potato salad. But don’t be a dick and buy that nasty shit at the store. Make this instead; it is cheap as fuck and super easy. You can even leave it in the sun for a minute and it won’t get all gross like that potatomayo nonsense they try to pass off as a salad. People don’t deserve that basic, bland shit.

 

FRESH HERB POTATO SALAD

1 1/2 pounds of small red or Yukon gold potatoes

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

3 tablespoons white wine vinegar

2 tablespoons lemon juice (about 1 lemons)

¼ cup extra virgin olive oil

2 cloves of garlic

1/3 cup shredded carrot (I used 1 normal-sized carrot. Don’t try to grate baby carrots; you will fuck your hand up)

¼ cup of chopped chives (you can use green onions to save some cash)

¼ cup chopped dill

salt and pepper

 

Cut your potatoes in half or until they are in pieces that you can actually put in your mouth. Nobody should need a knife to eat potato salad, that shit is fucked. Boil some water in a medium pot, add a pinch of salt, and the potatoes. Boil them until you can easily stab a fork through one, like 10-15 minutes depending on the size of your potatoes. If you cook them too long they start falling apart and your salad will be a fucking mess. Set a timer if your ass is easily distracted.

While the potatoes cook, cut up the garlic into a bunch of tiny pieces. Mix together the mustard, vinegar, lemon juice, oil, and garlic in a small glass. Drain the potatoes and put them in a large bowl. Add the dressing and toss it all together. Add the carrots, herbs, and a little salt and pepper and mix them in. Let the salad sit in the fridge for at least 30 minutes so that the potatoes can soak in all the flavor. If it looks dry after that then add a little more vinegar and olive oil and stir that bitch. Make this shit the day before you go somewhere and keep it in the fridge. Nobody will know the fucking difference.

Serves 4 as a side